26th of June 2009

I took a couple of photos of it, and I'll keep them here for when I'm ready to look at it.

There was blood all over the seat, my blood I suppose. It's hard to accept I was in there. Impossible to understand how I survived it. I still can't remember a thing about it, not what happened before, during or after until I woke up in the hospital.

I was on a ship, she was going down fast and I took my last breath, but then Alcyone appeared - and saved me from the deep. I swam with her for the light, but when I got there, she was gone and I was in hospital.

The tow-truck driver was there at the scrap yard today. He told me my heart stopped three times at the crash scene, but I was resuscitated by the trauma nurse who was first on the scene. It's a miracle she was there at the time, just after midnight, on her way down the coast for the long weekend after finishing work. She had a trauma kit in her boot. Someone was looking after me.

He said there were two ambulances, cops and the local fire-brigade all there - fighting to keep me alive while they tried to free my broken body from the wreck. My truck was suspended over a gully, and they were worried about using chain saws to cut me out because she ran on gas. In the end they chanced it because the nurse said I wasn't going to make it.

He showed me how my seat-belt broke on impact, saving my life, 'cause the steering column would have gone right through my chest if I hadn't fallen sideways.

I loved that truck, and I feel awful seeing her in that state. She was more than a truck, more than a project, she was a companion, and I totally f****d her over.

I can only thank the heavens that nobody else was hurt, that I crashed into a tree and not another vehicle, but I still don't know how I got there.

I'm really tired now, this has sapped all the strength out of me. I can't make sense of it, and how it fits together.

I wish Alcyone would just turn up here and fill in the blanks. I know it would all make sense once I saw her.

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25th of June 2009

I've been having the weirdest dreams.

It's like I've travelled back in time to a world long before this one. I see myself fighting knee deep in blood and gore with warriors, men and women, and some beings I can't describe. But I know I know them. I feel a brotherhood with them, as though he have gone to hell and back together. I see massive glaciers and deep river valleys like nothing I've seen before, and I've seen a lot of this world.

Other dreams I see Alcyone, laughing, teasing, joyous - the gypsy girl I love so much, but every time I try to reach out for her hand, she's just out of reach. Leaves me feeling frustrated and more determined than ever to find her.

I wake up drenched in sweat, well more like lying in a pool of sweat really. Must be my body trying to get the anaesthetic and morphine out of my system. Can't wait for this stage to be over. I'm going further each day on my crutches. Not putting full weight on my leg yet, but I know I will be able to soon.

Moira has a friend coming around to check on my wound and she says it's healing just fine. Stitches will come out tomorrow, fingers crossed.

Going to see my truck tomorrow. I think it's the only way I'll really believe this all happened in a car accident. In my mind she's parked somewhere waiting for me to start her up.

Saw dolphins off the shore today when I went for my chaperoned walk - a whole school of them, chasing snapper off Maloneys Beach, would have loved to have been in the water with them. They looked so free.

Better get myself some food, I'm hungry enough to eat a horse. Well not an actual horse, but pretty damn hungry.

It's getting dark and the stars will be out soon. I love to sit out the back of my sister's place and just lose myself in them. Maybe I'll wake up and this will all have been a dream, and I'll be in my bed with my girl, laughing about this daft episode.

Wonder what tonight's dreams will bring?

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24th of June 2009

Today wasn't a bad day.

I hobbled around trying to get stronger for about an hour until I was exhausted, slept for a few and woke up ravenously hungry. Honestly could have eaten a four course meal. Felt like I did after rugby training as a kid. Then I did it all again.

They've got Bill following me around to make sure I don't collapse or fall over. He keeps his distance. We both prefer it that way. I'm in no mood for company or small talk.

When I made it to the end of the cul de sac, I had this knowing, this sense that I'm going to make it. I'll get strong again, get this smashed up leg working right, get back to work, get my life on track, and I'll find her.

Sometimes I swear I can taste her on my lips. Feel her breath against my ear, whispering to me. I must be bonkers. Nobody knows who she is. Nobody's ever seen her, but I know she is real.

It's good to see the water again. To hear the waves and smell the salt air. I stood on the footpath and watched the waves roll into Maloney's Beach, churning up the sand and seaweed, filling the beach with sea foam. I thought of her and how she'd come for me on that wild night when the steel cried out and the sea claimed another body. I remembered how she'd breathed life into my lungs so I could escape the sinking ship and swim to the surface.

I don't want to think about what came next, how the ocean turned into an operating room, and how the life I loved was replaced by this one. There has to be some explanation, and I've got a feeling it lies out there, in the deep, deep blue.

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23rd of June 2009

I was restless last night, think it was the anticipation of seeing the surgeon today. Glen and Moira were here when he came around this morning.

He said I was doing really well and could move to the general ward as there was nothing more they could do for me. That's when Glen and Moira asked if they could take me home instead. I've got to say I held my breath.

Doc said he didn't see any reason why not, as long as I take it easy and follow instructions. Of course anybody who knows me, knows my track record with instructions, but hey, what you going to do?

So, it looks like I'm going home!

Glen and Moira are getting the paperwork done, while I'm climbing the walls, and then we are out of here.


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Okay that was not as easy as I thought. Five hours in the back seat of a car when you've just had your leg and hip sewn back on, may not have been one of my best ideas, but hey we got here. Fortunately we took plenty of breaks. Going cold turkey off morphine is not fun though. Only found out Moira had some with her when we got back to their place. Bugger!

But truth be told, I've decided to get off them anyway. Don't think that's a habit I want to add to my list.

I'm a bit sore to say the least, and heading to my makeshift bed in the sitting room. Glen's bought me a plastic mug with a lid on it so I can make my own cups of tea and have a hope of getting them back to the settee. Learning to do everything on crutches is a challenge. It will be a while before they let me put weight on my smashed leg again.

I've got to say it's nice to smell the salt air and hear the birds tweeting again. It's a relief to be on home turf.

Got to get a good night's sleep tonight because tomorrow is day one of my search for Alcyone.


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22nd of June 2009

Eight bloody days and nights I've been in this hospital. Everywhere I go I am shackled to a machine that monitors me and a morphine drip. I've not attempted a second shower. Slept like I'd run a marathon after yesterday's effort.

I'm going to need and extraction team if this goes on much longer, but looks like I might be getting out soon.

Glen and Moira came to see me this morning. They must have left at sparrow fart to get here from the Bay. They were here non-stop for the first few days until I woke up and they knew I was going to make it. They went home to sort things out and back up today to check on me. It was so good to see family.

I can't imagine what it was like for Moira to see me like that when they air-lifted me from Batemans Bay to Sydney the night of the accident. I know how I'd feel if the roles were reversed. I could see it in her face the first time I came round.

Glen says they've had a good chat with the doctors, and they are astounded by my recovery, so I might not have to stay here much longer.

I cannot sleep now, I'm wide awake. Just the possibility that I might get out of the intensive unit into the normal ward has me pretty excited.

The doctors are going to come around tomorrow, so we'll see what happens.

21st of June 2009

Had a shave and shower today.

I had to shave around the stitches, while standing on my one good leg, which was a bit of a challenge. I look as though I've gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson. My head is still quite swollen, well actually very swollen. Think my armpits heaved a sigh of relief at getting a wash, quietly I think the nurses did too.

It took me over an hour, but I was determined to do it myself, and the nurses kept coming in and checking on me to make sure I hadn't passed out. I managed not to look at my bum cheek, the one with all the bandages. Gives me a sick feeling, so best to avoid it. As they'd say back home - it's a bit of a bummer!

Made me smile today while I was shaving, how the twins would be giving it to me tight for all my sookiness. Thinking of them makes me chuckle to myself. I wish they were here, not that I want to worry them, but they'd stop all this shite feeling sorry for myself.

My smoking buddy quietly passed away in his sleep over night. I was only joking with him a couple of days ago. He thought he was getting out today and going home. Suppose in some ways he did.

I had the weirdest feeling when I was sleeping that someone was standing next to my bed through night, watching over me. I woke up this morning knowing everything is going to be alright. Alcyone is real, nobody can tell me otherwise. I'm going to get better and find her.

I think I'm in love with this person that's in my mind, that I can't talk to anyone about.

I'm feeling positive. I love Alcyone, even if that means I'm in love with a ghost.

Everybody has bad days, but today has been a good day.

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20th June 2009

Bad day.

A really crap day.

Everything's just went 180 degrees.

It's finally dawned on me - the scale of what's happened.

Where's Alcyone?

I can't do this... I can't.

19th of June 2009

They call me the ghost with the Zimmer frame, because I creep around the hospital ward until I drop, day or night. I've got to get strong so I can get out of here.

I get about an hour where all I want to do is stand up and move around, then I get light headed and a hunger comes over me like I've never experienced, and then I have to sleep. I'll sleep for a couple of hours and then I'll hear my sister's voice waking me with those same words...

"John, get up."

I went outside tonight for the first time with another 'inmate' down three floors, hoping to have a cigarette. My new buddy wanted to get me a wheelchair before we got into the lift, but as stubborn as I am, I refused.

I got outside, lit the cigarette and then the world began to spin, everything started to go black and I thought I was about to 'go', but I managed to fight it off. Only got a few puffs in before I gave it up. I was looking at the stars, feeling dizzy and making promises to Alcyone all at the same time. I don't know why the stars made me feel better, but they did. They steadied me, I guess, and somehow I felt close to her again.

Got some strange looks from passers-by, mind you. Must be my startling good looks, and stylish way of walking with my bandaged Scottish back-side hanging out of my hospital gown.

It took me three times longer to get back to my bed than it did to escape it, and then the nurses were hell-bent on giving me a sponge-bath. Something about not smelling so good. I told them I'll wash when I can do it myself, and that will happen when I have enough courage to look at my broken body. I'm not there yet, have to admit I'm being a bit of a sook about it, but I'll get there soon.

With any luck, my ripe Scottish scent might prompt them to kick me out a bit quicker.

Glen and Moira say to take it easy, not to rush things or else I could undo all the good work of the surgeon, but they don't know. They can't know that this hospital room feels like a prison cell stopping me from finding her.

I have to get out. I've got to be free. I'm going to beat this.

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18th of June 2009

I dreamed about her last night. I dreamed about her when they gave me morphine this morning. I see her as if I'm looking through a window, as if I could reach out to her and touch her. I see her in our life, the life we had together, only I'm not there.

I see her tears. I feel her heart beating, I want to wrap my arms around her, pull her close and tell her it's going to be alright. But I'm not there, and she's not here. Sometimes I can smell her, as if she's right next to me. Sometimes I feel the movement of the fabric of her clothes as she walks by, with that sway that only a dancer has.

"My wee gypsy girl, you feel so close, and yet worlds away. If I have to lose my mind to find you, that's a price I'm willing to pay. Everything here is like ash in my mouth."

They tell me my progress is amazing. The doctor dropped by to check on me. He told me what they did. How it took three of them to force my thigh bone back into my body and pin it in place. My mind wandered when he started talking about how they cemented bones together, inserted plates and God knows how many pins to make sure it stays.

I paid attention when he said I was milimetres away from severing my sciatic nerve, which would have left me paralyzed.

But, if I'm honest, none of what he says means much to me. I can't remember a thing about what happened. Even with all the broken bones and scars none of what he says sticks.

I'm not supposed to be here, I'm supposed to be there with her - wherever there is.

If I'm crazy then that's fine, but what if I'm not?

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17th of June 2009

I know I'll get better.

I didn't pass out today, that's a win. I still haven't had a shower or even attempted to shave, but I won't let them do it, I'll take care of that myself.

The nurses checked all my stitches and they say I am healing well. Most of the scars will be light. Apparently they took a fist sized ball of muscle out of my right bum cheek, because the bone in my leg went right through it and out the other side. I haven't seen that scar yet, but the dressing is big. I guess that's the end of my nude modelling career!

I still can't remember anything about the accident. It's just a blank filled with the memories of Alcyone. I wake up and my first thoughts are of her. The fact that I haven't passed out tells me I can get strong again. I've got to get out of here as fast as possible, and find her. Maybe she's not dead, maybe I know her for real and I just dreamed she drowned because of the accident.

I've got to find out. I've got to get well. Where did she come from? If she is real, and didn't drown, why hasn't she visited me?

Am I going crazy?

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Nemesis: From the Diaries of Captain John Duffy by Elisabetta L. Faenza

16th of June 2009

10am

"John, John, get up."

It's Ellen's voice again, persistent, strong. Willing me to try again.

So here goes...

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3pm

Okay well that didn't go too well.

The first part was alright. The nurses didn't try to fight me this time and gave me the walking frame when I asked. My body doesn't feel like it's mine anymore. Feels like I've got to learn to drive it again.

I did manage to stand and put weight on my leg, which feels like a cross between raw meat and robo-cop.

I took 6 steps, easy enough, all things considered, and I was beginning to think:

"I've got this, I'll walk out of here soon, piece of piss."

Then I saw this bloke through the window. Man he was bashed up bad, head swelled up like a pumpkin, stitches everywhere, bruised black and blue. And then the guy did a strange thing - he tilted his head at exactly the same time as me, then blinked and stared in shock.

That's when I knew. That's when I knew that beaten up man looking back at me, was ME!

Apparently I blacked out then, knocked everything flying, and yanked out all the tubes as I fell. Had to have all my drips put back in. Lucky I was out to it. Sure it made it easier for the nurses.

So, the thing is.

If that guy I saw really is me, well he didn't survive a shipwreck. I know what that looks like. Nah, that bloke, he was pulled bloody and broken from a car wreck, just like they said.

I keep asking for Alcyone, but nobody knows her. My big sis looks at me strange and says I was driving back to her place at night when it happened.

So what the fuck is going on?

Could the accident scramble my memory this bad?

I'd give anything just to go to sleep and wake up at the bottom of the ocean, at least then I'd know what to do.

15th of June 2009

They tell me I've been in an accident. I didn't believe them at first. I couldn't believe them, but here I am all trussed up in hospital, and unless I can wake myself up out of this, it's the reality I have to live with, for now.

Thinking back I have a vague memory of swearing at the surgeon. It's there, a bit blurry, but it happened.

He was busy telling me what he was going to do to me.

"You can go fuck yourself, mate," I said, still thinking I had to swim down to the deep to save her, to rescue her from the darkness.


What he said next got my attention.

"Mr Duffy, you've been in a car accident."

That took the wind out of my sales, and, confused, I surrendered.

"Okay then, do what you need to do."

The next thing I remember is my sister Ellen's voice, which is strange because she's been gone from this world for over a decade, God rest her beautiful soul. I keep hearing her voice, telling me, "get up, John get up."

So I did.

Well that didn't go too well, cause as tough as I think I am, I passed out.

Yesterday wasn't much better, but I'm going to try again today.

Somehow I know that once I start to walk, I'll be able to get out of here. I'll be able to go look for Alcyone.

I think they have it mixed up. I was in a shipwreck, not a car accident. Once I get out of here I'll be able to get it straight, and no one's going to stop me.

So that's the plan for today.

I've got a job to do.

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