19th of June 2009

They call me the ghost with the Zimmer frame, because I creep around the hospital ward until I drop, day or night. I've got to get strong so I can get out of here.

I get about an hour where all I want to do is stand up and move around, then I get light headed and a hunger comes over me like I've never experienced, and then I have to sleep. I'll sleep for a couple of hours and then I'll hear my sister's voice waking me with those same words...

"John, get up."

I went outside tonight for the first time with another 'inmate' down three floors, hoping to have a cigarette. My new buddy wanted to get me a wheelchair before we got into the lift, but as stubborn as I am, I refused.

I got outside, lit the cigarette and then the world began to spin, everything started to go black and I thought I was about to 'go', but I managed to fight it off. Only got a few puffs in before I gave it up. I was looking at the stars, feeling dizzy and making promises to Alcyone all at the same time. I don't know why the stars made me feel better, but they did. They steadied me, I guess, and somehow I felt close to her again.

Got some strange looks from passers-by, mind you. Must be my startling good looks, and stylish way of walking with my bandaged Scottish back-side hanging out of my hospital gown.

It took me three times longer to get back to my bed than it did to escape it, and then the nurses were hell-bent on giving me a sponge-bath. Something about not smelling so good. I told them I'll wash when I can do it myself, and that will happen when I have enough courage to look at my broken body. I'm not there yet, have to admit I'm being a bit of a sook about it, but I'll get there soon.

With any luck, my ripe Scottish scent might prompt them to kick me out a bit quicker.

Glen and Moira say to take it easy, not to rush things or else I could undo all the good work of the surgeon, but they don't know. They can't know that this hospital room feels like a prison cell stopping me from finding her.

I have to get out. I've got to be free. I'm going to beat this.

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18th of June 2009

I dreamed about her last night. I dreamed about her when they gave me morphine this morning. I see her as if I'm looking through a window, as if I could reach out to her and touch her. I see her in our life, the life we had together, only I'm not there.

I see her tears. I feel her heart beating, I want to wrap my arms around her, pull her close and tell her it's going to be alright. But I'm not there, and she's not here. Sometimes I can smell her, as if she's right next to me. Sometimes I feel the movement of the fabric of her clothes as she walks by, with that sway that only a dancer has.

"My wee gypsy girl, you feel so close, and yet worlds away. If I have to lose my mind to find you, that's a price I'm willing to pay. Everything here is like ash in my mouth."

They tell me my progress is amazing. The doctor dropped by to check on me. He told me what they did. How it took three of them to force my thigh bone back into my body and pin it in place. My mind wandered when he started talking about how they cemented bones together, inserted plates and God knows how many pins to make sure it stays.

I paid attention when he said I was milimetres away from severing my sciatic nerve, which would have left me paralyzed.

But, if I'm honest, none of what he says means much to me. I can't remember a thing about what happened. Even with all the broken bones and scars none of what he says sticks.

I'm not supposed to be here, I'm supposed to be there with her - wherever there is.

If I'm crazy then that's fine, but what if I'm not?

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17th of June 2009

I know I'll get better.

I didn't pass out today, that's a win. I still haven't had a shower or even attempted to shave, but I won't let them do it, I'll take care of that myself.

The nurses checked all my stitches and they say I am healing well. Most of the scars will be light. Apparently they took a fist sized ball of muscle out of my right bum cheek, because the bone in my leg went right through it and out the other side. I haven't seen that scar yet, but the dressing is big. I guess that's the end of my nude modelling career!

I still can't remember anything about the accident. It's just a blank filled with the memories of Alcyone. I wake up and my first thoughts are of her. The fact that I haven't passed out tells me I can get strong again. I've got to get out of here as fast as possible, and find her. Maybe she's not dead, maybe I know her for real and I just dreamed she drowned because of the accident.

I've got to find out. I've got to get well. Where did she come from? If she is real, and didn't drown, why hasn't she visited me?

Am I going crazy?

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Nemesis: From the Diaries of Captain John Duffy by Elisabetta L. Faenza

16th of June 2009

10am

"John, John, get up."

It's Ellen's voice again, persistent, strong. Willing me to try again.

So here goes...

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3pm

Okay well that didn't go too well.

The first part was alright. The nurses didn't try to fight me this time and gave me the walking frame when I asked. My body doesn't feel like it's mine anymore. Feels like I've got to learn to drive it again.

I did manage to stand and put weight on my leg, which feels like a cross between raw meat and robo-cop.

I took 6 steps, easy enough, all things considered, and I was beginning to think:

"I've got this, I'll walk out of here soon, piece of piss."

Then I saw this bloke through the window. Man he was bashed up bad, head swelled up like a pumpkin, stitches everywhere, bruised black and blue. And then the guy did a strange thing - he tilted his head at exactly the same time as me, then blinked and stared in shock.

That's when I knew. That's when I knew that beaten up man looking back at me, was ME!

Apparently I blacked out then, knocked everything flying, and yanked out all the tubes as I fell. Had to have all my drips put back in. Lucky I was out to it. Sure it made it easier for the nurses.

So, the thing is.

If that guy I saw really is me, well he didn't survive a shipwreck. I know what that looks like. Nah, that bloke, he was pulled bloody and broken from a car wreck, just like they said.

I keep asking for Alcyone, but nobody knows her. My big sis looks at me strange and says I was driving back to her place at night when it happened.

So what the fuck is going on?

Could the accident scramble my memory this bad?

I'd give anything just to go to sleep and wake up at the bottom of the ocean, at least then I'd know what to do.

15th of June 2009

They tell me I've been in an accident. I didn't believe them at first. I couldn't believe them, but here I am all trussed up in hospital, and unless I can wake myself up out of this, it's the reality I have to live with, for now.

Thinking back I have a vague memory of swearing at the surgeon. It's there, a bit blurry, but it happened.

He was busy telling me what he was going to do to me.

"You can go fuck yourself, mate," I said, still thinking I had to swim down to the deep to save her, to rescue her from the darkness.


What he said next got my attention.

"Mr Duffy, you've been in a car accident."

That took the wind out of my sales, and, confused, I surrendered.

"Okay then, do what you need to do."

The next thing I remember is my sister Ellen's voice, which is strange because she's been gone from this world for over a decade, God rest her beautiful soul. I keep hearing her voice, telling me, "get up, John get up."

So I did.

Well that didn't go too well, cause as tough as I think I am, I passed out.

Yesterday wasn't much better, but I'm going to try again today.

Somehow I know that once I start to walk, I'll be able to get out of here. I'll be able to go look for Alcyone.

I think they have it mixed up. I was in a shipwreck, not a car accident. Once I get out of here I'll be able to get it straight, and no one's going to stop me.

So that's the plan for today.

I've got a job to do.

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