21st of June 2009

Had a shave and shower today.

I had to shave around the stitches, while standing on my one good leg, which was a bit of a challenge. I look as though I've gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson. My head is still quite swollen, well actually very swollen. Think my armpits heaved a sigh of relief at getting a wash, quietly I think the nurses did too.

It took me over an hour, but I was determined to do it myself, and the nurses kept coming in and checking on me to make sure I hadn't passed out. I managed not to look at my bum cheek, the one with all the bandages. Gives me a sick feeling, so best to avoid it. As they'd say back home - it's a bit of a bummer!

Made me smile today while I was shaving, how the twins would be giving it to me tight for all my sookiness. Thinking of them makes me chuckle to myself. I wish they were here, not that I want to worry them, but they'd stop all this shite feeling sorry for myself.

My smoking buddy quietly passed away in his sleep over night. I was only joking with him a couple of days ago. He thought he was getting out today and going home. Suppose in some ways he did.

I had the weirdest feeling when I was sleeping that someone was standing next to my bed through night, watching over me. I woke up this morning knowing everything is going to be alright. Alcyone is real, nobody can tell me otherwise. I'm going to get better and find her.

I think I'm in love with this person that's in my mind, that I can't talk to anyone about.

I'm feeling positive. I love Alcyone, even if that means I'm in love with a ghost.

Everybody has bad days, but today has been a good day.

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18th of June 2009

I dreamed about her last night. I dreamed about her when they gave me morphine this morning. I see her as if I'm looking through a window, as if I could reach out to her and touch her. I see her in our life, the life we had together, only I'm not there.

I see her tears. I feel her heart beating, I want to wrap my arms around her, pull her close and tell her it's going to be alright. But I'm not there, and she's not here. Sometimes I can smell her, as if she's right next to me. Sometimes I feel the movement of the fabric of her clothes as she walks by, with that sway that only a dancer has.

"My wee gypsy girl, you feel so close, and yet worlds away. If I have to lose my mind to find you, that's a price I'm willing to pay. Everything here is like ash in my mouth."

They tell me my progress is amazing. The doctor dropped by to check on me. He told me what they did. How it took three of them to force my thigh bone back into my body and pin it in place. My mind wandered when he started talking about how they cemented bones together, inserted plates and God knows how many pins to make sure it stays.

I paid attention when he said I was milimetres away from severing my sciatic nerve, which would have left me paralyzed.

But, if I'm honest, none of what he says means much to me. I can't remember a thing about what happened. Even with all the broken bones and scars none of what he says sticks.

I'm not supposed to be here, I'm supposed to be there with her - wherever there is.

If I'm crazy then that's fine, but what if I'm not?

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17th of June 2009

I know I'll get better.

I didn't pass out today, that's a win. I still haven't had a shower or even attempted to shave, but I won't let them do it, I'll take care of that myself.

The nurses checked all my stitches and they say I am healing well. Most of the scars will be light. Apparently they took a fist sized ball of muscle out of my right bum cheek, because the bone in my leg went right through it and out the other side. I haven't seen that scar yet, but the dressing is big. I guess that's the end of my nude modelling career!

I still can't remember anything about the accident. It's just a blank filled with the memories of Alcyone. I wake up and my first thoughts are of her. The fact that I haven't passed out tells me I can get strong again. I've got to get out of here as fast as possible, and find her. Maybe she's not dead, maybe I know her for real and I just dreamed she drowned because of the accident.

I've got to find out. I've got to get well. Where did she come from? If she is real, and didn't drown, why hasn't she visited me?

Am I going crazy?

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Nemesis: From the Diaries of Captain John Duffy by Elisabetta L. Faenza

15th of June 2009

They tell me I've been in an accident. I didn't believe them at first. I couldn't believe them, but here I am all trussed up in hospital, and unless I can wake myself up out of this, it's the reality I have to live with, for now.

Thinking back I have a vague memory of swearing at the surgeon. It's there, a bit blurry, but it happened.

He was busy telling me what he was going to do to me.

"You can go fuck yourself, mate," I said, still thinking I had to swim down to the deep to save her, to rescue her from the darkness.


What he said next got my attention.

"Mr Duffy, you've been in a car accident."

That took the wind out of my sales, and, confused, I surrendered.

"Okay then, do what you need to do."

The next thing I remember is my sister Ellen's voice, which is strange because she's been gone from this world for over a decade, God rest her beautiful soul. I keep hearing her voice, telling me, "get up, John get up."

So I did.

Well that didn't go too well, cause as tough as I think I am, I passed out.

Yesterday wasn't much better, but I'm going to try again today.

Somehow I know that once I start to walk, I'll be able to get out of here. I'll be able to go look for Alcyone.

I think they have it mixed up. I was in a shipwreck, not a car accident. Once I get out of here I'll be able to get it straight, and no one's going to stop me.

So that's the plan for today.

I've got a job to do.

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