26th of June 2009

I took a couple of photos of it, and I'll keep them here for when I'm ready to look at it.

There was blood all over the seat, my blood I suppose. It's hard to accept I was in there. Impossible to understand how I survived it. I still can't remember a thing about it, not what happened before, during or after until I woke up in the hospital.

I was on a ship, she was going down fast and I took my last breath, but then Alcyone appeared - and saved me from the deep. I swam with her for the light, but when I got there, she was gone and I was in hospital.

The tow-truck driver was there at the scrap yard today. He told me my heart stopped three times at the crash scene, but I was resuscitated by the trauma nurse who was first on the scene. It's a miracle she was there at the time, just after midnight, on her way down the coast for the long weekend after finishing work. She had a trauma kit in her boot. Someone was looking after me.

He said there were two ambulances, cops and the local fire-brigade all there - fighting to keep me alive while they tried to free my broken body from the wreck. My truck was suspended over a gully, and they were worried about using chain saws to cut me out because she ran on gas. In the end they chanced it because the nurse said I wasn't going to make it.

He showed me how my seat-belt broke on impact, saving my life, 'cause the steering column would have gone right through my chest if I hadn't fallen sideways.

I loved that truck, and I feel awful seeing her in that state. She was more than a truck, more than a project, she was a companion, and I totally f****d her over.

I can only thank the heavens that nobody else was hurt, that I crashed into a tree and not another vehicle, but I still don't know how I got there.

I'm really tired now, this has sapped all the strength out of me. I can't make sense of it, and how it fits together.

I wish Alcyone would just turn up here and fill in the blanks. I know it would all make sense once I saw her.

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25th of June 2009

I've been having the weirdest dreams.

It's like I've travelled back in time to a world long before this one. I see myself fighting knee deep in blood and gore with warriors, men and women, and some beings I can't describe. But I know I know them. I feel a brotherhood with them, as though he have gone to hell and back together. I see massive glaciers and deep river valleys like nothing I've seen before, and I've seen a lot of this world.

Other dreams I see Alcyone, laughing, teasing, joyous - the gypsy girl I love so much, but every time I try to reach out for her hand, she's just out of reach. Leaves me feeling frustrated and more determined than ever to find her.

I wake up drenched in sweat, well more like lying in a pool of sweat really. Must be my body trying to get the anaesthetic and morphine out of my system. Can't wait for this stage to be over. I'm going further each day on my crutches. Not putting full weight on my leg yet, but I know I will be able to soon.

Moira has a friend coming around to check on my wound and she says it's healing just fine. Stitches will come out tomorrow, fingers crossed.

Going to see my truck tomorrow. I think it's the only way I'll really believe this all happened in a car accident. In my mind she's parked somewhere waiting for me to start her up.

Saw dolphins off the shore today when I went for my chaperoned walk - a whole school of them, chasing snapper off Maloneys Beach, would have loved to have been in the water with them. They looked so free.

Better get myself some food, I'm hungry enough to eat a horse. Well not an actual horse, but pretty damn hungry.

It's getting dark and the stars will be out soon. I love to sit out the back of my sister's place and just lose myself in them. Maybe I'll wake up and this will all have been a dream, and I'll be in my bed with my girl, laughing about this daft episode.

Wonder what tonight's dreams will bring?

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24th of June 2009

Today wasn't a bad day.

I hobbled around trying to get stronger for about an hour until I was exhausted, slept for a few and woke up ravenously hungry. Honestly could have eaten a four course meal. Felt like I did after rugby training as a kid. Then I did it all again.

They've got Bill following me around to make sure I don't collapse or fall over. He keeps his distance. We both prefer it that way. I'm in no mood for company or small talk.

When I made it to the end of the cul de sac, I had this knowing, this sense that I'm going to make it. I'll get strong again, get this smashed up leg working right, get back to work, get my life on track, and I'll find her.

Sometimes I swear I can taste her on my lips. Feel her breath against my ear, whispering to me. I must be bonkers. Nobody knows who she is. Nobody's ever seen her, but I know she is real.

It's good to see the water again. To hear the waves and smell the salt air. I stood on the footpath and watched the waves roll into Maloney's Beach, churning up the sand and seaweed, filling the beach with sea foam. I thought of her and how she'd come for me on that wild night when the steel cried out and the sea claimed another body. I remembered how she'd breathed life into my lungs so I could escape the sinking ship and swim to the surface.

I don't want to think about what came next, how the ocean turned into an operating room, and how the life I loved was replaced by this one. There has to be some explanation, and I've got a feeling it lies out there, in the deep, deep blue.

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23rd of June 2009

I was restless last night, think it was the anticipation of seeing the surgeon today. Glen and Moira were here when he came around this morning.

He said I was doing really well and could move to the general ward as there was nothing more they could do for me. That's when Glen and Moira asked if they could take me home instead. I've got to say I held my breath.

Doc said he didn't see any reason why not, as long as I take it easy and follow instructions. Of course anybody who knows me, knows my track record with instructions, but hey, what you going to do?

So, it looks like I'm going home!

Glen and Moira are getting the paperwork done, while I'm climbing the walls, and then we are out of here.


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Okay that was not as easy as I thought. Five hours in the back seat of a car when you've just had your leg and hip sewn back on, may not have been one of my best ideas, but hey we got here. Fortunately we took plenty of breaks. Going cold turkey off morphine is not fun though. Only found out Moira had some with her when we got back to their place. Bugger!

But truth be told, I've decided to get off them anyway. Don't think that's a habit I want to add to my list.

I'm a bit sore to say the least, and heading to my makeshift bed in the sitting room. Glen's bought me a plastic mug with a lid on it so I can make my own cups of tea and have a hope of getting them back to the settee. Learning to do everything on crutches is a challenge. It will be a while before they let me put weight on my smashed leg again.

I've got to say it's nice to smell the salt air and hear the birds tweeting again. It's a relief to be on home turf.

Got to get a good night's sleep tonight because tomorrow is day one of my search for Alcyone.


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Read the whole story - Nemesis

22nd of June 2009

Eight bloody days and nights I've been in this hospital. Everywhere I go I am shackled to a machine that monitors me and a morphine drip. I've not attempted a second shower. Slept like I'd run a marathon after yesterday's effort.

I'm going to need and extraction team if this goes on much longer, but looks like I might be getting out soon.

Glen and Moira came to see me this morning. They must have left at sparrow fart to get here from the Bay. They were here non-stop for the first few days until I woke up and they knew I was going to make it. They went home to sort things out and back up today to check on me. It was so good to see family.

I can't imagine what it was like for Moira to see me like that when they air-lifted me from Batemans Bay to Sydney the night of the accident. I know how I'd feel if the roles were reversed. I could see it in her face the first time I came round.

Glen says they've had a good chat with the doctors, and they are astounded by my recovery, so I might not have to stay here much longer.

I cannot sleep now, I'm wide awake. Just the possibility that I might get out of the intensive unit into the normal ward has me pretty excited.

The doctors are going to come around tomorrow, so we'll see what happens.

21st of June 2009

Had a shave and shower today.

I had to shave around the stitches, while standing on my one good leg, which was a bit of a challenge. I look as though I've gone a few rounds with Mike Tyson. My head is still quite swollen, well actually very swollen. Think my armpits heaved a sigh of relief at getting a wash, quietly I think the nurses did too.

It took me over an hour, but I was determined to do it myself, and the nurses kept coming in and checking on me to make sure I hadn't passed out. I managed not to look at my bum cheek, the one with all the bandages. Gives me a sick feeling, so best to avoid it. As they'd say back home - it's a bit of a bummer!

Made me smile today while I was shaving, how the twins would be giving it to me tight for all my sookiness. Thinking of them makes me chuckle to myself. I wish they were here, not that I want to worry them, but they'd stop all this shite feeling sorry for myself.

My smoking buddy quietly passed away in his sleep over night. I was only joking with him a couple of days ago. He thought he was getting out today and going home. Suppose in some ways he did.

I had the weirdest feeling when I was sleeping that someone was standing next to my bed through night, watching over me. I woke up this morning knowing everything is going to be alright. Alcyone is real, nobody can tell me otherwise. I'm going to get better and find her.

I think I'm in love with this person that's in my mind, that I can't talk to anyone about.

I'm feeling positive. I love Alcyone, even if that means I'm in love with a ghost.

Everybody has bad days, but today has been a good day.

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20th June 2009

Bad day.

A really crap day.

Everything's just went 180 degrees.

It's finally dawned on me - the scale of what's happened.

Where's Alcyone?

I can't do this... I can't.